News and Events

On A Lighter Note (August 2020)

The Sky at Night

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asks Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it’s evident that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?”

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, “Kemo Sabe, you dumber than I thought. Someone has stolen tent!” 

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Don’t stop doing things because you’re growing old because you’ll only grow old when you stop doing things!

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have the longer you live!

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Life Begins at 80

I have good news for you: the first 80 years are the worst! Then everyone wants to carry your bags or help you upstairs.

If you forget an appointment, or promise to be in two places at once, or spell words incorrectly, you just need to explain that you are 80.

At 80 you can relax with no misgivings. You have a perfect alibi for everything. Nobody expects anything of you. If you act silly, then it’s your second childhood – everyone is looking for signs of softening of the brain.

If you can survive until you’re 80, everyone is surprised that you can walk. At 70 they are mad at you for everything; at 80 they forgive you!

Remember, old folk are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomachs.

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have taken place in my lifestyle since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous, old girl – I am seeing four gentlemen a day!

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me to get out of bed. Then I go and see John. Later, Arthur Itis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to remain in one place for too long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After a busy day, I’m really tired, and I am glad to go to bed with Vic Vapour-Rub. What a life!

P.S. The vicar called the other day. He told me that, at my time of life, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, “I do that all the time. No matter where I am – in the kitchen, upstairs in the bedroom or down in the garage, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’ 

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